The following article was written on Facebook by my friend
Darrell Ritchie and is reprinted here with his kind permission. Darrell’s descriptions coincide very well
with my own experience. My only disagreement
would be that I think there are four steps described in scripture with walking
away actually being the fourth step.
This way we are reminded that we need to try three times in three
different ways, before we give up on a relationship with another Christian
brother or sister. I have been guilty of
this and have had others walk away from me but God’s not finished with me yet
and I’m still trying to do better.
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Christian
Conflict Resolution......An Unfortunate Contradiction In Terms
By
Darrell Ritchie (Lawrenceville,
Georgia) on Wednesday, April 25, 2012 at
8:06am ·
You know, I never cease to be
amazed by the average Christian’s inability to resolve conflict. It is almost
as though many of us check our courage at the door when we accept Christ and
from that moment forward we opt to avoid anything resembling confrontation,
instead choosing to run like a river when the snow melts whenever something
happens between us and one of our fellow Christians that might actually require
some work on our part.
And yes, I think I am
qualified to speak on this subject, having been raised in the church, having
been a Christian most of my life, and having spent over twenty years in music
ministry where I have often had the dubious privilege of seeing and hearing a
lot of things that I probably shouldn’t as the result of being the guest artist
in a given church.
What is it that makes us so
incapable of handling conflict? Disagreements? Issues? In the vast majority of
cases I see where Christians have an issue with somebody, the single most
common response is to simply cut ties with that person altogether and walk
away. Of course I’m still waiting on somebody to demonstrate to me where that
is Scripturally sound, but I digress.
In my time on the road, I
have seen people turned out by their Christian brothers over decisions they
have made that crossed the line into sin. These people instantly became like
lepers to their church, or depending on their level of visibility, to the
Christian community as a whole. Now nobody is excusing or endorsing sin, but
are these actions really in line with the Savior who sat down and had dinner
with sinners (Matt 9: 10)? Or the one who told the woman caught in adultery “Neither
do I condemn you. Go and sin no more”? (John 8: 1-11).
I have also seen minor
issues destroy marriages, ministries, and relationships, simply because one
party or both were too filled with pride to be able to say, “Hey, I was wrong.
Can you forgive me?” Or the other party was unwilling to grant the forgiveness
requested of them. Or both.
So what is the Scriptural
admonishment for handling conflicts?
Matthew 18: 15-17 is very clear on the
matter: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between
you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if
he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge
may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to
listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the
church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
Are you listening? Yes,
there is a time when you cut your ties and walk away, but only after taking the
two previous steps. Firstly, we have an issue with someone; we go to them and
bring it to light. Hopefully they hear us, the issue is resolved, and the
relationship is restored. If they do not listen, we aren’t off the hook just
yet….we go back to them a second attempt, this time bringing witnesses. If that
doesn’t fly, we bring the issue before the church, and if they still refuse to
listen, at that point, and only that point, are we granted permission to walk
away from them and don’t look back.
Unfortunately, we are far too
often guilty of skipping right over the first two verses and going right to the
last part. For whatever reason we are either unable to take the necessary steps
toward reconciliation (which is pretty bad), or we are unwilling (which is
inexcusable).
How we as Christians treat
each other is a powerful testimony before the world. What does it say about us
when, instead of seeking healing and restoration, that we choose to go our
separate ways in bitterness and resentment? How does it make us look when minor
disagreements or issues prove beyond our ability to overcome and heal? And what
does it tell the rest of the world when the example set is that everything will
be okay just as long as you say and do everything correctly? Who in their right
mind would want to be a part of any body of believers that lived by that kind
of deal?
We need to be willing to
confront, to hear, and to do the right thing. It may be hard to go to somebody
and tell them you messed up, but do it anyway. It is the right thing to do. I
firmly believe that in most cases, the other party will be all too willing to
listen, and that is the point where restoration begins. Then again, they may
not hear you, but you can walk away knowing you did the right thing, and you’ll
be surprised at how much lighter the load is.
What if you’re on the other
side and somebody comes to you and says, hey, I screwed up, I apologize, and
will you forgive me? I don’t know about you, but that is one of the few
situations in life that I don’t have to even pray about. We are commanded to
forgive
as Christ has forgiven us, and Christ doesn’t put conditions
or trial periods or any other stipulations on forgiveness. When we repent and
ask Him for forgiveness for our trespasses, He grants it freely, and tosses it
as far as the east is from the west. Why then should we do any less when
someone makes the same request of us?
It isn’t often talked about,
but I wholeheartedly believe that the lack of conflict resolution is one of the
biggest problems facing the church today. It is my prayer that more of us will
develop the courage, the fortitude, to face these problems head on, coupled
with the desire to see healing and restoration among our churches, marriages,
and relationships.
I’ve said it before, and I
close with it now….as Christians, we are all family, and at the end of the day
we are going to be spending eternity together. With that little nugget in mind,
how then do we defend the practice of holding grudges or ill will towards
anybody else while we are here? What say you?
[Note: Darrell can be reached for musical engagements and other things at
billydritchie@gmail.com or on
Facebook by clicking here:
Darrell Ritchie]